Saturday, September 28, 2013

Why do i blog?

I started blogging,,, hmm, when did I start blogging? It was mothers day, 2010. We were in the deep dark depths of our infertility journey. I was in a desperate place. I was afraid of the internet, a little, of the publicness, the permanentness, of the internet, but had signed up for an amazing internet class. It was beyond incredible. I started writing, and I found myself finding words for feelings that were consuming me... In the words that I wrote I found new ways to express the pain and grief and fear that I felt. And then in reading the words that other had written, I found that I wasn't alone. I recognized the things that others were writing and found myself in their words. It was powerful. Shortly thereafter I took the leap and started my first blog. It was kindof like a diary, but one that quickly started talking back to me. The feedback from others was encouragement for me to keep writing, not the reason that I wrote, but something that keep me coming back. I quickly found others who had our same rare diagnosis, who were a few steps ahead of us into the hard decisions that were waiting for mr fox and I. The relationships that grew from that blog are ones that I will treasure always. The women who walked that harrowing journey with me, even though we've never met in person, know me better than almost anyone. They supported me in ways that my IRL supporter just couldn't. In some ways it was because I felt free to share my innermost thoughts and feelings on my blog. There were so many things that I was afraid to say, afraid that my words would somehow be used against me later, but for whatever reason was able to write and share with totally random strangers. I went to great lengths to keep my blog anonymous. It was a big part of what made it such a safe place. But over time, let my closest friends and family know about it, and invited them to read it. It felt like the right thing to do, and was a powerful tool to 'let them in', to help them understand how deeply I was affected by our experience, but also led me to think twice about what I wrote, made me start censoring my words, and ultimately hesitate to write anymore. There was also something strange about transitioning what had been exclusively an infertility blog to something else. I feel like there are so many other things I'd love to write about, but it didn't feel right to write about them in that space. That blog holds the story of my deepest darkest times in life. That time has passed, and yet I feel the need to honor it by protecting the space that captured it. And yet, I miss writing. I miss the chance to sit and expand my thoughts, to see them laid out on the page. To have them translated from random bits of information flying around my head to cohesive articulated ones. It feels validating. It feels meaningful. So here I am, starting a new blog, a new space to write. So much has changed since I started. I am making a commitment to myself that I will carve out the time I need to take better care of myself. Time to exercise. Time to write. Time to just be me.

1 comment:

  1. "I found myself finding words for feelings that were consuming me... " THIS. And it is so amazing how it shifts, isn't it? Keep writing. :)